Tried out some handlettering to remind myself to look forward. And also, to not feel so bad about my lipstick obsession.
My grandfather passed away this morning. It's Monday, February 22, 2016. I don't even know how old he was.
Grandpa Lu was probably the most quintessentially stereotypical little old Chinese man. He was tiny and skinny, walked really slowly, slightly hunched over, was surprisingly soft-spoken considering how loud everyone else in the family is although when he raised his voice he still commanded everyone's attention.
He was smart, and kind, and caring, and ever since I can remember he has always looked the same. He was always a constant in my life - when I went back to the countryside, I could always count on seeing him and my grandma - also an adorable quintessentially stereotypical little old Chinese woman - waiting outside the door waiting for us to arrive, and waving us in, and trying to help us bring in the luggage, and bringing us fruit from his garden and eggs from his chickens.
He couldn't really speak Mandarin, and I can't speak a word of the dialect, but somehow we managed basic communications - with a lot of prodding and pointing and asking my dad to translate. He and Grandma figured out the things I liked to eat and whenever I was there, they would have it prepared and bring me a platter of the stuff to snack on. When they moved and got a larger table with a lazy susan, he would always rotate the lazy susan to place the best foods in front of me and motion for me to eat it.
I don't really know much about his life before I was born - we can't really communicate, and I only know things that my dad has told me, which has mostly been focused around my dad's youth. I know Grandpa was born sometime in the 30s because he's older than my Grandma and she's 81 this year; I know Grandpa was a child living through World War II and the Japanese massacre of the Chinese people; I know Grandpa lived through all of the horrors of Mao's reign over China; I know Grandpa was the father of 3 girls and one boy and had to work overtime in the fields all of the time in order to feed his family, because women weren't "paid" with the same amount of food as men were; I know Grandpa was a smoker but quit cold-turkey the minute he found out cigarettes were dangerous; I know Grandpa had many opinions about the Chinese government which would've gotten him thrown into jail if he ever voiced them to anyone other than his family. I don't know much about Grandpa, but I've always known he was a survivor.
For the past few years, he had a myriad of health issues. It seems like every time I went back to China - which was about once or twice a year, mind you - he was sick or had just finished battling another health problem. He was almost never eating or had some kind of weird diet because he was having stomach and intestine problems, and he was frailer than ever, but it seemed like he just kept surviving. I never really thought more about it - Grandpa was a constant. He could survive anything.
When my dad called me on Saturday to tell me that he had fallen down on Chinese New Year and gotten some kind of medicine that ended up attacking the wrong parts of his body, but had switched meds to something that was helping him get better, I just assumed he was going to be okay.
Obviously, I was wrong.
I don't know if I'll be able to go to China to say my goodbyes. Either way, Grandpa - I love you. You have always been kind and I know I was one of your favorite grandchildren, whether or not that may be because I'm the daughter of your only son. You stood up for me that time I got into a fight with dad and you put dad in his place (which was really entertaining to watch, actually). You always ate some of the cakes and pies and tarts that I baked even when you were having stomach issues and couldn't really eat anything, and you always made sure I had eaten enough even though I never eat much when I'm in the countryside, and you always tried to give me the best parts of the fish and the meat on the table. You and Grandma would always have that special pair of slippers laid out for me when I came to visit, which apparently only I could wear, and you were always there to greet us and help me bring in my suitcase even when I didn't need help, and you were always so excited to see Hera even when she was afraid to even wave to you.
I'm someone who's always entertained the idea of reincarnation - a life lost is a life gained somewhere else - and it was further reinforced when my grandma passed away on Hera's birthday. So Grandpa - I hope you come back where society is better, where the government is less crazy, where you'll have a family even larger than our ridiculously large family. I hope you have more children and they will have more children and maybe you'll have more boys in the family than ours to balance it out some. I hope you are loved more than you already are. I hope your next life will be better and you'll have to deal with less suffering and the people surrounding you will be kinder.
And I hope in the meantime, you'll watch over us like you always have.
It was very cold in NYC, so I doodled it.
This past long weekend I visited my friends in New York City, and we spent the weekend alternating between exploring (read: shopping) the city and hiding out in her apartment from the cold. As expected of being in NYC, I spent quite a bit of money. After all, is there anything else to do there?
Friday, February 12:
$22.50 Bus to New York City (purchased in January)
It was a long ride and the girl that sat next to me was Korean and had very long bleached hair. It was brassy. Brassy blonde is a pretty gross color, in my opinion. Also, it looked really unhealthy, as to be expected when you try to bleach black hair to blonde.
I took the BoltBus, which let me off on 1st Ave. "Basically on the moon", as Alyssa, my lovely friend who came to pick me up, said.
$20 MTA ticket refill
This money was spent much more quickly than I expected. The MTA is very expensive.
$30 Dinner at Schiller's Liquor Bar
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| Amazing burger with amazing fries and a very bizarre pickle |
We waited for an hour, so, apparently the Spotify workers are liars. Thanks, Spotify.
I ended up ordering the cheeseburger (medium rare, cheddar) with fries. It was very good and juicy, and the mustard was not Heinz mustard even though it was deceptively held in one of those cheap mustard squeeze bottles. It was spicy and very tasty and probably homemade, gauging the hipsterness of the bar.
The pickle, however, was not a pickle. Do not eat the pickle. It was bizarre.
We also got a sticky toffee pudding to share, which was very amazing, and thank you Foursquare people for recommending it. If I hadn't been so full from the burger and fries I probably would've ordered a second one for myself because it was that good.
Saturday, February 13:
$15.13 Brunch at The Grey Dog in Union Square
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| French Toast at The Grey Dog |
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| We're silly. |
Caitlin opened up her care package and she got very excited about the owl washi tape I brought her. It's very cute.
$3 (probably) for Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows at Vineapple Cafe
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| Hot chocolate with giant marshmallows! |
The marshmallows were huge except they got stuck to the cup and I had a hard time getting them out. I eventually asked for a spoon.
I didn't spend any more money on Saturday because Alyssa made me dinner. She made risotto and homemade bread and I ate my face off and then couldn't move for the rest of the day. My tummy was still hurting when we went to bed at midnight.
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| Alyssa's homemade bread is the best thing. |
$6.52 at Paper Presentation
Caitlin told me about this paper store which Alyssa then told me her friend is in love with. I was very adamant about going and then I had a hard time convincing myself to not buy out the store. It's very probably my new favorite place in New York.
I love paper.
I ended up buying a set of magnet bookmarks so that I would stop using paper clips, because warping the pages on my notebooks with paper clips is annoying to me. Plus, the magnets are very cute.
We went to Sephora where Alyssa used her gift cards and I vicariously lived through her makeup shopping.
We also went to MUJI where I convinced myself to not buy more pens because I need to use up the ones I already have, and then we went to Nordstrom Rack, Burlington Coat Factory, Forever 21 (where Alyssa scored two sweaters for less than 8 dollars - she's very proud) and DSW in search for a hat for my sad little cold ears. We didn't find anything and my ears continued to be sad and cold.
$5.80 at Whole Foods
Alyssa and I got hungry at some point so we decided to pop into the Whole Foods cafe to grab a snack - I got a chocolate croissant and a chai latte. When I asked how much switching to soy would be, the guy gave me a weird look and was like, it's free. The duh was implied.
Soy is never free anywhere else. I was very excited about my free soy upgrade. Usually I just get the milk because I'm too cheap to pay for the upgrade and deal with the tummy pains later.
We watched a couple get into a very loud argument, which was fairly entertaining and also probably very awkward for them because they were being very loud and it was Valentine's Day.
$14.95 at The Strand
The Strand is one of my favorite places in New York. There's nothing better than books on books on books - literally.
I finally found a hat at the Strand. It's grey and has a giant pom pom on the top and I feel like a total nerd when I wear it because it says Strand Books on it. I love it.
I also found a bunch of books which I photographed in order to find on Amazon Kindle later, because I didn't want to bring a bunch of books back to Boston with me. Also, because I already have too many books and moving out will be a pain. I've decided I want to try reading more instead of wasting all of my time on Youtube (not that there's anything wrong with that).
$11.25 at Bravo Pizza
A New York trip is never complete without pizza. I had a pepperoni and sausage slice, a tomato and broccoli slice, and a peach tea.
I love pizza. I love peach tea. What more could a girl want.
$15.60 at Regal Cinemas for SkullPoopL
Alyssa and I finished off our Valentine's day with Deadpool at Regal Cinemas. I thought the movie was very well done and hilarious - a lot of fourth-wall-breaking, a lot of crude humor, a lot of making fun of Marvel Studios and of MCU fans. It was great.
Although, we saw someone bring their 7-ish year old kid?? The movie is rated R. It is well deserving of its R rating. Someone is a very irresponsible parent. VERY irresponsible.
$10 MTA ticket refill
My MTA ticket ran out of money and it was sad. I consoled myself by making Alyssa take a selfie with me.
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| Subway selfie! |
I didn't spend any further money in the city itself on Monday. Alyssa bought me breakfast bagels and then I felt sick from too much cream cheese, and I visited The STUDIO which is a visual communications firm in Manhattan.
$30.50 Bus to Boston (purchased in January)
I took the 7pm Greyhound back to Boston and we got caught in the snow, so I didn't get in until 12:45. When the T had already shut down. Which means I had to take an uber home.
I was not pleased with having to take an uber home.
$29.80 Uber
The Uber was the same price as my bus ticket. I feel somewhat cheated out of my money. If the Greyhound had arrived on time I wouldn't have had to spend this money. Sadface.
All in all, despite the rather horrid trip back to Boston because the weather sucked, the New York trip was very fun and a good break from.. well, from not very much considering the semester has barely started.
What's your favorite place to visit in NYC?
I'm a tad behind on this drawing thing, but I'll catch up over the weekend. Hopefully. For now - this is part of the #DNDChallenge that I found on Instagram! I wanted to try doing something really detailed, but I feel like this is a bit busy. Next time I might try to break things up with thicker lines and more white space.
Hey guys. I have a confession to make - I'm secretly a hoarder.
Well, not to the extent that I've seen some people be, but I've always collected things. I collected pens and notebooks as a kid (who am I kidding, I still do) and for a while during my pre-teen years I collected empty Kleenex boxes and toilet paper rolls with the intent that I'd make something out of them. I did, with a few of them, but the rate of my collecting was far greater than the rate of my making, so we had a cupboard full of random junk that I was very stubborn about not throwing away.
My dad eventually threw them away.
Now that I'm in college and living in my own space, I'm astounded at how I manage to find nooks and crannies to hide all my things when I really don't have very much storage space. Things just collect over time; random junk that you keep convincing yourself is important or has too much sentimental value to throw away.
On the other end of my hoarding tendencies is my anxiety over messy spaces. I don't mind other people being messy, but I can't really handle messiness in my own living space (this comes from my dad. You know, the guy that threw out all of my Kleenex boxes because he's like this too?) and so once in a while I'll go through my stuff to clean up and reorganize.
I love reorganizing. Nothing brings me more joy - well, except food, and sleep, and Hera, and... - than to find designated spaces for each and every thing and to keep them there. I am the kind of person that gets annoyed when the can opener turns up in a drawer different from the one it's always lived in. I am the kind of person that likes to have all my pens categorized and my wires and cables sorted into little zip lock baggies. I am... well you get it. I like things to be neat.
This past weekend I took on the task of reorganizing all of the junk I have in my room. I haven't tackled my closet yet (I did a couple months ago, and will probably do so again sometime in the next few weeks) but I did get rid of a garbage bag full of stuff, and a bit more. I got rid of so many papers (because why will I ever need my tests from freshman year again?) and pens that no longer write that it felt so liberating. I reorganized my bookshelves so that everything is more compact and now my collection of wrapping stuff - like boxes, and tissue paper, and other random knick knack that people need for christmas wrapping - is no longer homeless and strewn on the floor but actually part of my bookcases, with its own little section.
The hardest part of all of it was convincing myself to throw away some models and some modeling materials. While throwing out pens and papers had been easy, I have formed an emotional attachment to all of my architecture studio models and their associated things. It's not hard to be attached like that - after all, I did spend many hours building all of these models and all of them have very specific memories attached to them - mostly of being really tired, but also of those professors and experiences. Many of these models I look at and see the hours I put into it, and it always seems like such a waste to just... throw it away.
I threw away three models. I threw away three models that were associated with my last studio, a studio that thinking about still gives me headaches and makes me feel like a panic attack is coming. I threw away the last portion of the model that I had spent over 48 hours nonstop sitting and gluing and folding and crying over, and taking it out of its place to throw it away hurt because I still remember all of the pain from that class but throwing it away also felt so good. It felt like I was liberating myself from the demons of that class and I know I'm being totally over-dramatic but that class, god, that class really, really was awful. The final project was a good one - one that I'm almost proud of, maybe - but the journey there had been so awful. I suppose part of me will eventually be grateful because I learned to be stronger from it, but I don't think I've had enough time pass to look back and not have feelings of resentment rise up within me.
And after it was all gone - the trash taken out, permanently outside of my home - my room felt so nice and clean and good to be in - not that it hadn't been nice and clean and good to be in before, but it's better now - and I can look at that section in my bookcase that once housed three models which reminded me of a horrible experience and smile because it now houses wrapping paper, and paints, and canvases, and happy things still waiting for me to work on.
Plus, it's nice to know that I won't have as much to throw out when I eventually move out of this apartment.
Are you guys also hoarders / collectors of random things? Do you ever go through times of just wanting to clean stuff and throw stuff out? Let me know!
I've started trying to doodle and draw more often (mostly because I've realized that I don't draw anymore and that's sad), and I figured I'd start posting one every week.
I know that the Paris attacks have been over for a while now, but we talked about them and the refugee crisis in my French class on Tuesday. Talking about it reminded me of the video where a reporter asked a little boy if he was scared, and when he said yes his dad made him feel feel better by telling him that the flowers would protect them. That memory inspired this doodle.
Every January of a new year, I like to reflect on the past year. Especially now that I'm going into my last semester at MIT - yes guys, I'm graduating in June and I am all sorts of excited! - it seems like a very appropriate time to be reflecting on not just the last year but also my time here at MIT.
Is there anything I would've done differently?
1. Would I still have come to MIT?
Sometimes I feel really resentful of being at MIT, which I then follow up with feeling really ashamed for it - how many people dream about coming here? There have been multiple times where I have thought back to my senior year of high school and which colleges I could have gone to - I could've gone to McGill, probably still have had a good time without being as ridiculously stressed all the time and possibly had better job prospects just because the application pool in Canada is quite a bit smaller.
But would I have come out with as many stories and would I have been as strong and resilient as I am now? Probably not.
Was it worth it?
I don't know.
I tell myself the friends and the connections that I have now are certainly worth it, but frankly I don't quite know. I have endured the lowest moments of my life so far here, and it really sucked. On the other side of things, would I appreciate the sanity that my friends offered me as much had I not endured those moments?
2. Would I still have studied Architecture?
For the first three years at MIT, I never questioned my choice to study architecture. MIT has a wonderful architecture program. The majority of our professors really do care, our studios are interesting, we're required to take classes outside of architecture design in order to have a more well rounded education. I have learned so much about iterative design and about problem solving and I have exercised my spatial reasoning ability to the max. I have been praised for my work fairly consistently and been asked to be part of the archives every studio semester, without fail. I have a ridiculous work ethic - my professor for my last studio said that often I would make life harder for myself in order to create more beautiful work - and I am efficient and organized enough to do more complex work and be part of more clubs than many of my peers and still sleep.
And yet, this past semester, I began to question that choice.
Architecture at MIT doesn't seem very employable. Just go check out the career fair - every company is looking for course 2s (Mechanical Engineers) or course 6s (EECS). It's disheartening, although the types of companies that come to the career fair aren't necessarily the same as the ones I want to work for. At least, that's what I told myself, time and time again, until this year when I actually began to look for a job so that I could, well, be employed after graduation. Since I'm looking primarily in non-Architecture fields such as UI/UX design and product design, it feels like maybe I should've studied something different. When I first came to MIT, I truly believed that Architecture was the only major that fit my abilities and the only one I could've succeeded in, but now I have no doubt that I could've done well in other disciplines as well.
I suppose if anything, Architecture really helped hone my self-confidence.
I think if I could do it again, I might try to double major - I formed bonds with so many people and learned so much in Architecture that I can't imagine giving that up, but there's still so much that I'm curious about in other disciplines that I just didn't really have the time - or make the time - for.
I'm trying to do that now, since I'm done with studios, but I'm running out of time.
3. Would I have handled my social life differently?
To be completely honest, I don't really have much of a social life. I don't like to go out and I don't like to party because I prefer the comfort and the quietude of my room. Pretty much the extent of my socializing with my friends - who I love, by the way - includes eating things, making things to eat (and then eating those things), and watching something on Hulu or Netflix. Despite my reluctance to go out and party with them, I think they still love me and appreciate me - and certainly I would not have survived MIT without them. (Thanks guys. I love you and you mean the world to me.)
I do think that some extent of my reluctance to go out with my friends was financial - I just didn't want to spend the money - and I think if I went back I would be less hesitant to do things with them and more willing to spend the money for a nice meal or for drinks. I think I missed out on a lot of time because I was too much of a scrooge, and that's the main thing that I'm trying to improve on this year. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to spend small change on small happinesses.
The other part of my social life comes from the groups I am part of on campus - my dance group, ADT, and Dramashop.
One thing for sure - I would've joined ADT much earlier instead of waiting until sophomore spring. I have always regretted not getting more time to spend with some of my choreographers - I have a massive girl crush on one of my choreographers my first semester, which was also the semester she graduated. It was very sad. I also have varying levels of girl crushes on most of my choreographers. I can't help it. They're all so cute and so talented.
Apart from that, ADT was also my solace away from the craziness of studios and Architecture. It was a place I could escape because literally no one else in ADT was Architecture Design and everyone was focused on learning the dances. There were some days at MIT where I got out of bed solely for ADT, and I couldn't be more grateful for having a group of people like that there for me, whether they know it or not.
4. Are there any resources I didn't take advantage of at MIT?
Yes. So many yes's. MIT has so many resources and cool things for students to do and I really didn't take advantage of any of it, and I regret it so much. The main resource that I should've taken advantage of - and didn't - is MIT's MISTI program.
MISTI is basically a program where you tell MIT where you want to go in the world and they find you an internship and pay for you to go there. It's a program where you travel abroad. For free.
I know. I know! Anyone who knows me knows that I love traveling - I've been to 18 countries and I want to go to more and also all of them again because there's so much more still to explore - and MISTI would've been perfect for me. The only problem is that, apart from Israel, I think, you have to know the language of the country, and at the time I didn't try hard enough to figure out how to take French with my schedule. I am taking French now, and I could theoretically still do MISTI for this coming summer... but I'm kind of planning a Europe backpacking trip anyway.
5. Are there any ways you would've chosen to spend your free time differently?
I've always been a crafter and a maker. When I was little I used to collect our empty toilet paper rolls and kleenex boxes because I wanted to make things out of them - to the point where I had filled an entire cupboard with these useless boxes. My dad finally threw them out after I went to high school, and I'm pretty sure I threw a fit.
When I was in high school I picked up crocheting, and that really blossomed at MIT. Crocheting was an easy, mindless, fast project that I could do when I was too stressed out to focus, and I could make all these cute toys with them! It was a lot of fun, and I could do it in my bed. But when I spent all my free time crocheting and knitting - things I could do in my bed - I stopped painting.
I'm trying to pick it back up. I still see so many more colors in everything, and I still have an eye for color and design and layout. Skills like that, things you're born with, you don't lose. But I'm rusty. I'm less comfortable that I used to be with a brush and a canvas, and I'm less accurate in my sketches than I used to be. It's depressing! I used to be fairly good and now I'm not satisfied with almost everything I paint or draw.
There isn't really a good traditional arts program at MIT and without classes forcing me to exercise those abilities, I let them slide. Now I have to spend more time working to regain those abilities - I wish I hadn't stopped painting in the first place, but I think it'll be like riding a bike. A little rusty at first, but it'll come back with some practice.
Is there anything you would've done differently last year or in the past few years? Let me know!
