For those of you who have been either living under a rock or don't have nearly as much of an obsession with beauty products like I do, you may not know that Sephora is now coming out with a monthly beauty subscription box (think Birchbox or Ipsy but from the mothership).

I've always been hesitant to sign up for subscription boxes - what if they gave me things I wouldn't use or wouldn't like? Was it really worth spending 10 dollars a month - 120 dollars a year? For some reason, when I found out Sephora was coming out with Play! By Sephora, I didn't even hesitate before ordering. I think I was just looking for an excuse to jump on that subscription box bandwagon, and the fact that it was Sephora - which I was hopeful would give me lots of very reputable fancy products - and that I could cancel my subscription any time just sweetened the deal.

It arrived two days after Sephora emailed me to let me know that it had shipped out, so A+ on fast shipping, Sephora! I've been so spoiled by Amazon Prime, so I'm glad Sephora managed to match the shipping speed.

First of all, the box and the packaging was super cute. I'm definitely planning on keeping this box and maybe using it to organize things - maybe my growing collection of sticky notes and washi tape?

Look at how adorable the packaging is!

In the box I got 6 products: the Marc Jacobs Highliner Gel Eye Crayon in Blacquer, Sephora Rouge Infusion in 19 Peony, Ole Henrikson Sheer Transformation face cream, GlamGlow SuperCleanse Daily Clearing Cleanser, Elizabeth and James Nirvana White fragrance, and Bumble and Bumble Bb Haidresser's Invisible Oil Primer.

So let's go through each product.

The Marc Jacobs Highliner sample I received was 0.01 oz. The full size is 0.1 oz and $25, so my sample was worth $2.5. This eyeliner is SO BLACK. I tried it on yesterday along my lower lashline and today again on my tightline, and so far it hasn't budged at all. I have always been a liquid liner kind of girl - stila stay all day liquid eyeliner is my holy grail eyeliner because it's easy to use and also doesn't smudge and I will never use anything else - but I have never found a pencil liner (I guess technically Marc Jacobs markets it as a gel? It's a pencil form, whatever) that didn't move on me. Even my NARS Larger than Life eyeliner that I got as a freebie smudges more than this one!

Full size of the Marc Jacobs liner - the sample has the same packaging, which I really appreciate!

The Sephora Rouge Infusion in 19 Peony is 0.068 fl. oz. The full size is 0.152 fl. oz. and 14 dollars, so my sample is worth approximately $7. I've worn it once and all I can say is it applies easily, it's not blotchy, and it's a pretty color. Since Peony is kind of a MLBB (my lips but better) color, I'm not sure if it hasn't moved all day but I think it hasn't?

Full size of the Sephora lippie. It's a pretty color and I think I'll get a lot of wear out of it! The color of the product is pretty true to color to what it shows here.

The Ole Henrikson Sheer Transformation face cream is 0.25 fl. oz. It comes in multiple sizes, but the 0.5 fl. oz. is 14 dollars, so mine is worth $7. To be honest, I was wary about trying out this product because I have a very strict cleansing/moisturizing regimen because my skin is sensitive, combination, and has a tendency to break out in painful cystic acne. I did try it last night and this morning though, and it doesn't leave an icky residue, moisturizes well, and my skin hasn't broken out yet! I will definitely keep using this product - I think it feels nicer as a day moisturizer because my regular one is a lot thicker.

This stuff makes my face feel fancy.

The GlamGlow SuperCleanse cleanser I got is 1 oz, which is a full size product and priced at $14! I haven't tried out this product yet, again because of my skin problems - I didn't want to introduce multiple new products all at once. I did use it to wash off swatches on my hand earlier - it foams up nicely and my hand feels nice and clean now, again with no residue left behind. It didn't manage to wash off my Marc Jacobs highliner swatch though - I'm not sure if that means the cleanser isn't good or if it means the eyeliner is too good?

The packaging I got doesn't look like this! Mine came in a squeezy bottle, which I actually prefer to the pump.

The last two products are slightly irrelevant to my life - I don't use hair products because I have super-easy no-fuss Asian hair, and I don't really wear perfume ever. The perfume does smell nice and clean though, so it would be something I would wear.

The Bb Hairdresser Invisible Oil primer sample I got is 1 fl. oz. and it comes in multiple sizes but the 2 fl. oz. is priced at $9 so my sample is worth $4.5. The perfume sample, Nirvana White, is in a sample spray bottle and contains 0.07 fl. oz. of product. The rollerball, which contains 0.34 fl. oz. of product, costs $25, so my sample is priced at about $5.

I would say that overall, this box did pretty well! It contains $40 worth of product and I paid $10.66 for it, and I got at least 3 products that I will definitely use up - we will see about the GlamGlow and the perfume, and the hair product will probably end up going to a friend. Even so, just the 3 products that I will use are worth $16.5, more than the amount I paid for the box, so I do think it was pretty worth it.

What's your opinion on beauty subscription boxes or subscription boxes in general? Have you used any of the products I mentioned?

The last semester, one of my best lifelines during the chaos of studio and school and MIT and life was - other than my friends - crocheting. When I got too anxious or too tired or just wanted to cry, I'd put everything down and crochet a little granny square. It was an easy, mindless activity that took less than 10 minutes (per square), so it was a short enough break that I wouldn't feel guilty for taking some time away from my work.

The pattern I used is called something pretty which I found on Pinterest, and is linked here.

Soon, I had a little collection of squares accumulated in a wicker basket by my bed and my roommate called them my stress squares.

Originally they were going to be a blanket, but I didn't have enough yarn to make a full blanket so I had to change course. I had made 28 squares over last semester and hadn't touched them over the summer, but I had also bought some lining fabric over the summer and the perfect solution, obviously, was to make granny square pillows!

Some of you might remember that I made a granny square pillow last summer too while I was still living in the dorm, so it seemed fitting to add to my little granny square pillow collection and make a family.

Say Hello to my little granny square pillow family! The white one is from the previous summer, and the two matching ones are made from my stress squares. The little one is super cute, and might end up going to Hera!

For those of you who did the math, yes, I have 2 granny squares left over. I'm not quite sure what to do with them yet.

I think that it's important for everyone to have some short de-stressing activity they can do when life gets too overwhelming. I've found that sitting in bed with some music or Netflix in the background while I knit a row of seed stitch or crochet a square has been really helpful to my mental wellbeing. Of course, my friends and going to MIT Mental Health are undeniably helpful as well, but unfortunately those are not perfect solutions when panic attacks arise at odd times like 3 am.

If you haven't found a good outlet to destress yet, I really do encourage something like this! And if you do have an outlet, I'd love to know what they are.

Anyone who knows me is aware that I have a slightly obsessive personality, am a bit of a hoarder (but only useful things! like pens and clothes and makeup and art supplies!), and have a bit of a shopping problem.

What can I say? I like buying clothes and makeup and trying out new styles!

Over each summer in my life, I've always traveled away and taken a small carry-on suitcase with me. I'm really good at packing and taking not many things. I scoff in the face of all those How To Pack a Suitcase videos and tutorials on Youtube. This past summer when I went back to China, I did the same - and realized how nice it felt to only have a few staple pieces to choose from and try out different ways of pairing clothes. (On Pinterest, I think this is called a capsule wardrobe.)

So when I came home to my apartment in Boston,  I decided I needed to clean out my life.

No, not people. Friends, I still love all of you. Don't be silly.

I started with my wardrobe. I know everyone says to take everything out of your closet first and then put back the things you reach for first - I didn't do that because I'm such a rebel.

Turns out I'm very familiar with what I wear on a regular basis and what I don't. I grabbed all the clothes that I knew I didn't wear, and then did a second sweep with things I was unsure about. Goodbye, all the uncomfortable career fair t-shirts that I don't know why I kept. You won't be missed.

I ended up getting rid of 2 garbage bags full of clothes. I also got rid of my hair styling appliances (hairdryer and curling iron) because I don't use them. Hooray for having easy to deal with hair!

I later was sad that I got rid of my hairdryer for the sole purpose of breaking in my black flats that were slightly painful. I ended up just sucking it up and wearing them. They don't give me blisters anymore, for anyone who's wondering. So I didn't need the hairdryer anyway.

I also went through my makeup drawers, which was ridiculously fun to go through. I did a makeup clean out a few months ago, and it hasn't completely gotten out of hand yet (again), so I decided I would only go through my lipsticks (which somehow I had accumulated, in a few months, a lot. Let's just leave it at a lot of lipsticks).

I ended up throwing away half of them. It wasn't hard - I had a lot of repeat colors and also a lot of lippies I'm pretty sure were expired or well on their way to expiring. Oops. I did end up having a full arm of lipstick swatches though, which was super fun and also hazardous for the cleanliness of everything in the apartment.

Finally, I got rid of a bunch of my papers that I'd been holding onto - like schoolwork and handouts and stuff. Well, it's senior year.

I get to get rid of that stuff now.

Trust me, throwing away handouts is a lot more exciting and good-feeling than it sounds like.

Now it actually feels a lot nicer. I still have quite a few pieces of clothing, but more manageable and also all clothes that I wear (except for my corset and my flapper dress which, for obvious reasons, I couldn't part with). It makes getting dressed in the morning a lot easier, and I know whatever I reach for will be pieces that look good on me and also don't require me to suck in my tummy and stuff like that. Slob-ing around in presentable clothing for the win!

Its the same with my makeup - picking out lipstick colors is way easier now that I have fewer, and I've rediscovered lipsticks that I may or may not have forgotten about.

That is exactly the problem with having too much stuff. You've only got one sodding body, what are you going to put all the extra clothes and makeup on anyway?

Also, donating a lot of clothes and appliances in fairly good condition felt really awesome. I hope they find good homes.

All in all, I think my decluttering project was a success and I encourage everyone to try it too!

For the last three weeks of my summer, I went home to China to see my family, give copious amounts of hugs to my adorable little sister, and to go sight-seeing.

Prior to that, I had been interning at a small healthcare design firm called Involution Studios (check them out here!) in Arlington, where I co-researched, designed, and wrote a manifesto about the pitfalls of American healthcare (there are a lot) and explored methods of fixing it. It was a super great experience - the people there are awesome and all wildly different and interesting, I learned and expanded on a bunch of super useful skills (D3, HTML/CSS) which I was able to immediately use on the project I worked on, while also taking advantage of my design background.

Also, we got Union Square Donuts once a week, which obviously also added to the awesomeness of Invo. If you haven't had a Union Square Donut yet, you're missing out.

Through the experience, I further solidified my want to work in and experience design fields other than architecture.

I flew back to China on the 11th of August and spent three weeks catching up with my family and getting into shenanigans with my little sister.

Meet Hera, the most adorable little 6 year old on the planet

We were in Shanghai for a few days - and we went to play the claw machine and Hera got a pikachu but then she promptly LOST IT the next day so of course we had to go again, but it was a Saturday so there were tons of people and the claws were all loosened (fun fact: if you want to catch things in the claw machines, go when no one is there. The claws are less likely to have been tampered with) and we had to wait for a half hour to an hour for this one couple (who already had a bunch of stuffies anyway!) to finish trying to get a pikachu but they FAILED and probably wasted more than 100 yuan (each try is 2 yuan) and then Hera got the pikachu on her first try because the couple that we had to wait for probably used up all the duds (woo probability!).

We were also in the countryside for a few days. I cut bangs because Hera wanted us to match (and obviously I couldn't refuse her because she's so damn cute), we baked an apple tart and cookies and banana bread, and we rode on the back of a pick up truck (because Hera wanted to) to go to the mountains (aka even more in the middle of nowhere) to eat dinner.

this is us in the back of a pick up truck in rural China

I don't know if you can tell, but behind Hera in the shop window are little panda statues doing kung fu

this is a panda shaped sweet with whipped cream inside

panda Jack Sparrow shirt that I almost couldn't resist buying

they have a legit chain store called Panda House and their store fronts look like panda heads

my dad and I in our super awesome matching kung fu panda shirts

Hera and mom in their super awesome (but less cool than ours, obviously) matching mommy and baby panda shirts

this panda needed to scratch his butt

After scratching his butt he was very hungry

tiny tiny panda

another tiny tiny panda

A few other things Chengdu is famous for: hot pot, and a performance called "Changing Faces" or 变脸 (bian lian). We did both, but I didn't get pictures of the performance because of my scumbag iPhone that decided its storage was full.

Me and Hera at the West Lake!

I got this really interesting grapefruit tea that was sweet and supposedly had a lot of beauty benefits but more importantly it was very tasty

We went on a little boat ride on the West Lake the next day before we left

Ready for hiking! Also, the color matching was totally unintentional

I SWEAR THE COLOR MATCHING WAS UNINTENTIONAL

Welcome to Paradise where the view is incredible and no one is around except the mosquitoes

If you can see the little boardwalk-like area at the top of the waterfall - yep, we went all the way up there

All in all, it was a super great summer. I spent time with my roommates, did really cool things at work, and had great fun with my family. I'm not completely ready for the semester to start quite yet - let me bask in the fun for a little while longer, please?

As promised from a couple posts back, here's my blog post about the striped dress I made, shown here:

This past Saturday, I got myself another tattoo.

I once read a beautiful old Chinese piece of writing about lotus flowers, way back in middle school in Shanghai. It talked about the strength and beauty of the lotus flower, and how it symbolizes surviving and thriving through adversity because of how it grows out of mud. The author believes the lotus flower to be a superior flower to others, and that we should all strive to be like lotus flowers.

For some unknown reason, this piece of writing has always resonated with me. It is one of the few things I was forced to memorize in school that I can still remember. I always found it beautiful and passionate, and while I don't believe in denouncing other flowers to raise the level of the lotus, I think that many of the points the author made were beautiful and valid.

I wanted to get something that could commemorate that.

More importantly, I've now become a senior at MIT and I finally finished the last of my studios - I chose to opt out of the final one because I wanted to take the last two semesters and see what else MIT had to offer (and also because I finally decided to prioritize my mental health). To sum it up, I had some pretty dark times the last year, and I wanted to get something that could commemorate my perseverance through those times where I thought it wouldn't get better.

Happy birthday mama!!

For those of you who don't know, my mama's a pretty cool lady who grew up in adversity (Communist Mao China, anyone?) and is now a boss. Like a boss as in she's really awesome, but also literally a boss. She did a bunch of pretty cool things like have her own business in the telecommunications industry, gotten a pretty nice big handful of patents, switched careers for fun, opened a school... you know, things that everyone else's mom does too (not)!

My mama's pretty special. I like her a lot.

So what do you do when you realize your mama's birthday is coming up really soon and you're not in the same country so you can't celebrate with her?

Well. Obviously make a really disgustingly cheesy video about how much I love her. Duh.

Enjoy!

The other day I stumbled upon this beautiful bag DIY by Persia Lou and I decided I needed it. My friend had just given me two massive spools of cotton yarn that she was trying to get rid of, and I decided that this bag would be the perfect project to start chipping away at that yarn!

I made a few changes to the pattern for my own version: For me, the number and length of tassels were a little too much, so I only made a few short tassels for the bag flap. I also used a gold braided belt that I've had for a long time because I didn't really want to purchase a leather strip and all the supplies to go with it. I lined it with some gray fabric that I had purchased two years ago for a Doctor Who weeping angels project that I never ended up doing (maybe someday it will happen, but for now I've finally used up most of that fabric!).

 For the belt / strap, I ended up being super cheap and lazy - I didn't even bother sewing it! I attached two D-rings (I would've preferred round rings but I couldn't for the life of me find them at Michael's) to the sides of the bag. I then belted the belt, cut it near the buckle (I did this because I wanted the buckle to be intact on the strap), and used E6000 (my trusty all-purpose industrial glue) to wrap the belt around the flat part of the D ring. I then used some extra yarn and wrapped it around the "joints" to secure it further, just in case!

The finished bag! I'm super happy with it :) I added a snap clasp at the front for extra security but I don't actually use it that much, oops.

close up! I like how you can kind of glimpse the gray under the white yarn - I think they pair super nicely together!

A close up of the belt and how I joined it to the bag

And here's me looking like a dork with the bag! I also made the dress I'm wearing - look out for that post soon!

If you like the bag, you should definitely try out the DIY! It was a super easy, super short project - took me about two nights after work, so maybe around 7 hours tops. It's the perfect summer bag, plus now I don't have to go choose between the ridiculous number of semi-identical crochet bags on the market now! This one's homemade and much cheaper ;)

Since the last time I blogged, a lot of things have happened. I went home for spring break and cuddled my baby sister. I finally sucked up my pride and went to MIT Mental Health. I stopped eating for a while and survived pretty much solely on nutrition drinks and occasionally mac and cheese from a box. I gained back my appetite. I danced. I survived the semester and my slightly-psychotic-and-abusive studio professor. I completed my last studio of my college career.

I think feeling a little bit inadequate can be helpful sometimes because it drives me to work more and to work harder. I've always wanted to be the best, possibly because the ideal has been so ingrained in me from society and from my parents. But often times wanting to be the best just results in feeling really, really awful - like not beautiful enough and not smart enough and not hardworking enough and just not enough.

During the time I was unable to eat, I - understandably - lost a bunch of weight. I lost weight to the point where a pair of too-small jeans that used to be rub against my hip bones so much that it was painful to wear for more than half a day now fit me perfectly. It was weird - I was panicking that I was losing weight so quickly but some small part of me was almost happy that I might finally be the size I want to be.

I remember distinctly rubbing my elbows at one point and truly being taken aback at how spindly and pointy they felt. For some reason, I have become more aware of the sharp edges on my body. I think my panic over losing weight so quickly has caused me to become more understanding and more accepting of my body.

It's enough.

I am enough.

My legs are enough. I have big thighs and big calves which make it hard to buy skinny jeans and normal boots, but they are enough. They let me explore the city and hike and walk and bike and dance.

My arms are enough. They are skinny and spindly and sharp but they help me be expressive.

My hands are enough. They are tiny but they are talented and steady and they allow me to express my creativity. They're also really good at getting into hard-to-reach nooks and crannies, which is useful when someone drops something and also when I'm building detailed models.

My stomach is enough. I may have a little bit of a belly but it lets me eat lots of yummy food! I think this is something that I've always had trouble accepting - I've always wanted to be skinny, but now I understand that I would never give up my bottomless appetite for something so facetious.

My body is enough.

And I'm also slowly understanding that not just my body, but my mind... it's also enough.

A couple days ago my friend commented to me that I work all the time. I laughed and I said that I do things other than work sometimes! I do side projects like crochet and knit and sew and draw and read and watch tv and sleep. I then realized that I had just included sleep as a fun, not-work thing, and I instantly sobered.

I've realized I need to start thinking in terms of being enough instead of not-enough. I am hardworking enough. I am talented enough. I am good enough. I am beautiful enough.

After all, I'm stuck being me for the rest of my life. Why spend it the rest of it continuing to beat myself up for not being enough?

I cope. I'm good at it. My automatic defense mechanism is repression. I like to make sure I'm so busy that I don't have time to deal with personal, emotional things. It's one of the reasons I have a tendency to overcommit.

The problem with repression is that there's always a tipping point. The problem with my brand of repression is that I don't know where that tipping point is, despite having surpassed that point at least once every semester since starting at MIT.

I've literally repressed my ability to gauge my mental health so much that the only reason I know I am stressed right now is because I have had about 3 weeks of continuous canker sores within my mouth, because I'm spotting, and because I have been tired for the past two weeks despite my attempts to get decent amounts of sleep.

So, my tipping point.

No, it wasn't the chain suicides MIT has had in the past two weeks.

It was the conversation my French professor had with our class in response to the suicides. She told us about her taking medical leave last year because she had been diagnosed with cancer, and the subsequent chemotherapy afterwards. She told us about how she got through the worst of chemo because of the people around her. She wanted to remind us that we weren't alone.

It was a good conversation.

Unfortunately, cancer is one of the few things that I cannot talk about without getting ridiculously upset.

My grandmother passed away from breast cancer my sophomore year of high school, on January 15th, 2010. She had been diagnosed earlier that year - the story I was fed at the time was that she had been watching a drama where the protagonist had been diagnosed with cancer, which inspired her to get a check-up specifically to look for cancer signs, when in actuality she had been a victim of horrific trauma which caused her systems to shut down. She underwent surgery despite her own protestations because my aunt, panicked, signed for it. She then underwent chemotherapy.

As a 13 year old child, I didn't really understand what was happening. What I did understand was that grandma was sick. I knew that the chemo was making her absolutely miserable even though I was only home a few weeks a year because I was at boarding school and even though she tried to hide it from me.

I will never forget the shock I felt when I went into her room and saw her wig that she used to hide her hair loss. I hadn't known prior to the discovery that chemotherapy made you lose your hair.

Honestly, I don't remember much from when I was 13. I remember my grandma always being happy and strong and learning English to communicate with me. I remember her making the best pickled radish I have ever had. I remember learning about her getting sick and how she didn't seem any different. I remember my grandma fighting with my mom and at one point hearing her say she had given up. I remember my grandma trying to survive for her grandchildren.

I remember the last time I ever saw her, lying frail and thin and weak in a hospital bed, attached to what seemed like hundreds of different tubes, unable to even breathe.

I remember the doctors telling us she was doing better.

She didn't do better.

I remember on January 11th, 2010, I drew a picture of death in my sketchbook. I remember writing down how I felt about the whole ordeal. I distinctly remember wondering what would happen if she passed away on my sister's birthday.

She passed away the day my sister turned 1.

I remember on that day I went back to that drawing and wrote that I had cursed my grandma into dying that day.

I remember being told my grandma passed away and that I wouldn't be able to return to China to say goodbye, because my parents wanted me to focus on my studies.

As if I could focus on something as trivial as The Canterbury Tales or Pre-Calculus when my grandmother had just been taken from me.

So I repressed the memory. I don't think about these moments. I think about my grandma when she was in her prime, caring for me and my parents and my aunt's family. I think about her quirks, like how she liked to put her soup dumplings in milk in a bowl and heat them up and how she thought that was tasty. I think about her obsession with Chinese herbal medicines and how she used to stink up the house.

I don't think about the memories associated with her being diagnosed with cancer.

I have a terrible case of survivor's guilt, one that has continuously been repressed since I was 13. It's been 6 years. Sometimes I still think about how it must be my fault that she passed away so coincidentally on Hera's birthday. Sometimes I still think about how if I had somehow had shown that I cared more, she wouldn't have given up.

The conversation we had today with my French professor drenched up all of these memories that I had repressed, and coupled with the amount of stress that I am apparently dealing with even though I don't seem to feel or recognize it - I ended up breaking down in class.

So I want to thank everyone that had to deal with me bawling my face off all day today, whether it be my French II classmates who tactfully didn't say anything, or my French II architecture grad student buddy who walked me to studio, to the people I ended up crying to in studio. I'm not in a good place. Again.

My roommate thinks that I should go to Mental Health, but thats a whole other blog post in which I get to talk about the stigma around mental health and how much of a non-issue my culture believes it to be. I'm definitely considering it, though. Again.

Maybe this time I'll actually seek help.