So I have a confession to make: I have really, really terrible body image - probably the aftermath of a combination of living in China, where since a young age I was turned away at small boutiques because I was too "big" and couldn't fit in the one-size-fits-all clothes, and being around people who made fun of me for not being a typically-tiny Asian girl.Because of it, I've gone through escapades of binging, starving myself, exercising to the point of passing out, attempting and failing to purge, and trying fad diets, all to no avail - my size never changed, and I only ever seemed to grow bigger. 

And all of these attempts left me with problems - I have insatiable cravings. My portion sizes are either ridiculously large or nearly nonexistent. I skip meals constantly when I'm busy. My body doesn't know how to tell me its hungry anymore. I can't exercise in a regular gym and need to find alternate ways of exercising without it seeming like exercise. I sometimes still look up diet pills, and fad diets, even though I know that they don't work. I still stare at girls and wonder why I can't be that skinny, even when they're the same size as me. 

As I've grown older and met people who really accepted me and repeatedly tried to fix my body image issues, I've come to accept myself more, but I still secretly (or not so secretly? Since I'm divulging it on the internet?) cringe when I look at myself in the mirror.

Basically, the whole point of that schpeel was to say that I haven't worn a bikini or gone to the beach since I was still in middle school, 8 or so years ago. 

This weekend, Catherine wanted to go to the beach. 

So we went, Catherine, Doug (her fiancé!), Veronica, and I. Catherine rented a car from Budget and we drove up to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire, and basically laid on the beach for the whole day (and also ate really bad-for-you boardwalk food - I had fish and chips!). 

And yes, I wore a bikini and was incredibly self-conscious at first, but my friends and I joked around enough that I forgot to worry about it. 

TBLR: Veronica and Catherine; Catherine and I took pictures of us taking pictures of each other; a Frozen-themed sand castle competition!; the three of us and our Phi Upsilon Kappa "sorority signs"; Veronica looking pensive (?) while tanning

So the beach was fun, despite all my insecurities. I enjoyed the boardwalk, stuffing my face with terrible fried food (we didn't get the fried oreos that Catherine swore I had to try, though), and watching my friends play pinball in the arcade.