For those who don't know, I lived in Shanghai from 7 - 13 years old, and when I was 13 I moved to the US to go to boarding school in rural Connecticut. Most of my formative childhood years and memories are based on China, but because I left at 13, I left with the naive associations a young girl tends to have, and my stubbornness to believe in those rose-colored memories kept me from seeing what was really in front of me.



So what was different for this short, 2 week trip back to China this summer? I can't really pinpoint what changed, but something about the combination of having completely head-over-heels fallen in love with Boston, becoming older, and trying to take care of a 5 year old while walking around Shanghai tore off those rose-colored lenses and forced me to see clearly:

Like when we went to the Shanghai Aquarium and went to see the penguins (one of Hera's favorite animals) and one full-grown woman was trying to push in front of the children to get a better viewing point because obviously she couldn't see over all the kids half her size; or the man who wanted to get a video of the penguin jumping into the water and not only tried to push Hera out of the way but later attempted to use her head as a resting point for his elbow; or the people behind me complaining about my height (because at 5'6" I'm so tall, right?) and trying to push me out of the way while I was clearly watching over a 5 year old child, and then yelling because I had to elbow them out of the way while Hera and I were trying to get out of the crowd...

Or when we were walking down Fuzhou Road, the art supply street in Shanghai, and a chengguan (roughly translates to "city monitor" - they're not friendly, they pick on people with no status, and they beat up people they know they can win in a fight) was making a huge scene and yelling at a tiny, elderly man who was just trying to make a living selling naturally grown loofahs even though at his age he clearly should have been supported by the government...

Or even just how people push and shove to get in and out of the subway, or keep ridiculously close behind you while waiting in line to the point where you can feel them breathing down your neck and the purchases they're holding are digging into your legs -

Suddenly I had no patience for any of it and I wanted out. I wanted back to Boston, where people are friendly, cars stop for you, you don't have to constantly be aware about where the cars are and move your 5 year old sister accordingly while crossing the street (because I'm bigger, I had to tell her, so if I get hit I'll just have a broken bone while you might get squished by the car), people understand personal space and don't try to push you out of the way (the saddest thing I've ever had to tell a small child: If someone pushes you, you push them straight back and harder. But only in China, okay?), or even just the small luxuries of being able to drink from the tap, not having your hair texture and quality change from the shower water, and being able to see more than 300 feet in front of me (Beijing, I'm talking to you).

And yet, I couldn't really blame any of the people for behaving such. I grew up here -

I know about how in public schools, if you don't run to the cafeteria and beat everyone there, you don't get food to eat, so people grow up forced to push others down and become increasingly competitive just for a mouthful to eat -

I know how the government continuously cracks down on the people, and people can't do anything about it so they just keep their heads down and try to stay out of their way, often times while moving their money overseas so if it comes down to it they can still get out -

I know how people are just as and probably more discontent about China than me, just a bystander who considers China a home but has multiple other places to easily run away to if need be -

And there were still some incredibly friendly people here -

Like the guard at the bank who helped me pay off a fine for my dad with the fancy ATM the bank had, and after expressing how fancy it was, he muttered to me that it was bought with the ridiculous fines the government charged and how the government "fines what they shouldn't and doesn't fine what they should", and reminded me to hold onto the receipt the ATM gave me because "sometimes they come and check and if you don't have it they might charge you again";

Or the surprisingly friendly taxi driver we had when we arrived in Beijing the first night (and for those of you who've been, you know how Beijing taxi drivers are all pretty much just awful);

Or the elderly woman who was by herself and asked me to take a photo for her, and afterwards just stood and chatted with me for a bit because she knew I was alone as well;

Or even just that elderly man that I mentioned earlier, getting yelled at by the chengguan, who gave me the biggest smile I've ever seen after I gave him some money because goddammit we should respect these people who still try to make a living after living so long and through all the crap the government has put them through.

So it's not that I no longer have any love for this country - my country - perhaps just a discord between what I remembered and believed to be true and what I was seeing before me, which caused a greater reaction that I expected within me. While I cannot continue to perceive China as a magical-everything-is-wonderful land that I once firmly believed in and argued with people over, I still love the country - just with a more realistic view of the place. Not dislike, not hatred, just a disenchantment of the country and its people and - perhaps from being in the US for too long - a less vast amount of patience for things I cannot stand.